Caron renaissance
Hi, I need help with this. My son was at Caron Pa and did wonderful there for there 31 day program. In June he went down to Caron Renaissance in FL for their 84 day program and it has been one issue after another there. It was not a facility originally recommended for him and I was reluctant about it because of their philosophy but he is 19 and made the decision to go there. I do know have any phone contact with him and can only write letters. I get a report from two different counselors twice a week. I hear that one week my son is doing well and making his appointments and the next week he is doing poorly again. He does not open up much in groups(never did since he was young) and complains of a lot of anxiety. They are telling me that they question his anxiety because he is fine when he is in the residence with his peers, but he also isn't talking about personal issues then either. I questioned the counselors on whether this might be the wrong program for him and they tell me that their program is the best in the nation. I question this because most weeks hen we have a scheduled call the counselors call a half hour late/early or not at all and then don't seem to think its a huge deal that they didn't notify us but I think that's just courtesy since they are usually in the middle of the day and we have to change our work schedules to be able to take the calls that last a half hour each.
I guess my question is if anyone has an opinion or experience with Caron Renaissance? And also is it possible that a treatment facility is not the right fit for someone? Please help quickly because we have to go down for family week next week and they want to do an intervention where they basically throw him out for the weekend, keep in mind we live in PA and FL is not familiar to him.
Thank you
Answers
Hi Mom,
My heart goes out to you and your son/family during what is clearly a very difficult time regarding challenging and important decisions. I'm going to address your last sentence first: "and they want to do an intervention where they basically throw him out for the weekend, keep in mind we live in PA and FL is not familiar to him".
Mom, I am strongly encouraging you to trust your instincts regarding this particular facility. It's appears evident, based on what you share, that there is some level of problem with the staff (the staff-at a minimum). Please start making calls and/or visits to other facilities and ask to speak with the director of these other facilities, as well as a staff counselor(s)/therapist(s) of the facility and explain what you are seeing/experiencing with your son’s current program.
Make sure you write down your questions, as well as key terms and responses by the person you are speaking with. It really helps to have a tangible reference as you work toward problem solving and decision making. This will go a long way to help you build confidence in your innate ability to advocate for your son. You're doing such an incredible job on his behalf, as well as yours. He's so fortunate to have you as his mom. Something tells me he knows how fortunate he is, despite his current challenge. No one knows your son better than you, Mom. Use that 'knowing' to its fullest. That's why your instincts have led you to question what you are experiencing and seeing.
It is clear that you are a dedicated, informed mom. That's why these misgivings you are having about the facility/staff are coming into your conscious thought. Too often, exhausted, frustrated parents ignore their 'nunctions'/instincts- meant to serve as an internal guide for determining the best, next course of action regarding loved ones health/well being/recovery-telling themselves that because the staff 'are credentialed professionals' then, that must mean that 'they know better than me what is appropriate for my son/daughter'.
It's a potential risk to assume that someone else, other than you, could act as the 'best' advocate for your son regarding his health challenge.
It's critical to ensure that you are working with a clinical staff that welcomes/encourages/respects your collaborative input. If you feel you're being 'brushed off', then chances are that is exactly what is happening. If you get the sense that the staff representing the facility is in any way irritated/annoyed or impatient with your dialoging/questions about their approach, it’s a red flag.
If you experience the philosophy at this Florida facility as not being a good match for your son...then, there is a very good chance that you are right. In addition, what you shared above is cause for concern: " They are telling me that they question his anxiety because he is fine when he is in the residence with his peers, but he also isn't talking about personal issues then either. I questioned the counselors on whether this might be the wrong program for him and they tell me that their program is the best in the nation."
Anytime your questions of concern to the treatment staff about your son's progress are responded to with the statements such as "We are best in nation" it's an indication that there is a problem with 'focus'. In addition, "Tough Love" and/or treatment strategies such as the "intervention" you mention/ "throwing your son out" can increase risk of increased substance use by your son and increased risk of self harm, especially if he has an underlying mental health disorder such as anxiety or depression that is not being addressed/managed.
If the staff is dismissing/ignoring an anxiety or depressive disorder (and based on what you shared, they are), it's a sign that something is very wrong. This marginalizing of his reports of experiencing/feeling anxiety, by the treatment staff, could potentially stall your son's momentum in recovery- if it has not already...And at worst case, this dismissal of his reports of anxiety will escalate his feelings of anxiety and/or depression.
If your son has a 'co-occurring' disorder -that is, a diagnosable/clinical anxiety/depression in combination with a substance use disorder/addiction to drugs/alcohol (and the majority of people with addiction are challenged by a mental health disorder like anxiety/depression); then, it is crucial that both disorders be treated...And they absolutely can be treated together, successfully.
People with a dual diagnosis (co-occurring anxiety/depression and addiction) achieve recovery and better lived moments EVERY day. Believe it! It's important that you, as his advocate, demonstrate a consistent spirit of hopeful approach that conveys to him that you believe he has the ability to make positive change in his life.
Mom, I know of multiple sons and daughters of good parents who have lost their lives as a result of them being negatively influenced, via their participation in 'parent peer groups’, whose teachings/ philosophies ended up being highly flawed. In addition, well-intended friend(s)/family member(s) and even a licensed therapists/clinicians-the typed of clinician that exhibits a lack of education and background in a broad range of therapeutic approaches and science-based education in addiction disorders, and/or who demonstrate an attitude of inflexible philosophies about addiction- are, often times, in error when advising that a 'hardline approach' under the heading of "tough love" as being the answer to 'recovery'. Every situation/person/circumstance is unique and advising ‘one size fits all’ approach/response to challenges in the addiction journey is inviting increased risk.
For the record: I'm in no way suggesting that parent peer groups are not helpful. They absolutely can be. the quality of support you get from participating in these kinds of parent peer groups depends on the group facilitators ability to keep the group focused on problem-solving techniques and building hope and coping skills for the hard journey of parenting a child with an addiction challenge, rather than advising parents to take specific action, as in 'tough love' strategies, etc.
I have been exactly where you are. What I have learned in my 15 plus year as the mom of a wonderful son in long term recovery ( I am also a parent advocate and a counseling student trained in Motivational Interviewing) is that it is critical to discover, and match, our addiction-challenged loved one's strengths/philosophies/ THEIR best method of building coping skills to a clinician/treatment program/recovery approach.
One size treatment will NEVER, EVER fit all. That's why when you hear brazenly false statements such as "We are the best in the nation" it should concern you. Quality, dedicated, educated, highly skilled clinicians will not profess/focus on these kinds of things as a point of conversation. Rather, they will ensure the conversation stays focused on 'your sons' progress and ways to improve his momentum in recovery...even if that means them referring you/your son outside their program in order to increase his momentum in recovery/health.
A quality staff/a skilled clinician knows when their efforts/frame of treatment is not resulting in momentum and increased self efficacy/well being for a client/patient. They have the confidence in their expertise, experience and depth of skill... as well they show genuine concern for that client/patient and will go out of their way to support you/the client in locating other potential services aimed at creating a better appropriate match. And they will do all these things in a spirit of respect, compassion and professionalism.
I'm going to include another of my comments on this website, to another parent, on the subject of choosing a treatment facility. I hope it helps you in your journey. Stay strong mom. Keep up the great work. I know how hard beyond hard and frustrating it is. BELIEVE that you will be successful in facilitating/encouraging a good match in terms of therapy/treatment. Your hard work...your 'questioning' what you see in regard to your sons lack of progress in recovery, your steadfast dedication to advocating for your son, at the level you do, WILL result in momentum in recovery for him. It's often a very long process. But, as a mom who has walked a similar road; I can tell you that it is worth every uphill mile I’ve traveled and learn from to experience my son's blooming life and health.
Recovery Happens...All the time. And people achieve that recovery via multiple paths. One size treatment approach/treatment philosophy WILL NOT work for everyone. Don't allow anyone tell you, or imply otherwise.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if I can support you in any way. patti [dot] herndon [at] gmail [dot] com. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Mom.
Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination. You'll get there. Believe it.
Treatment centers
Shared on Nov 20, 2010 by Sad mom
How can I find out which one is better than another is there a website that rates treatment centers?
Answer:
"Currently, there is no standardized and regulated system of rating and ranking drug rehabs and alcohol treatment centers. Therefore, without some kind of help and guidelines, picking the best rehab can be a very difficult and daunting task"...But choosing the best facility that will best match your circumstances and resources, right where you are at this time, is the goal... and it is doable!
I know this a long response to your inquiry. And, it's a lot of stuff to read. But, I encourage you to circle the wagons around a time to sit down in a quiet environment to read and absorb this info when distractions are at a minimum and you're able to approach the info with open-mindedness and hopeful-ability ;0). It's so normal that you feel sad...I'm so very sorry that you do. It gets better, though...Little by little. Keep on keepin' on.
"What should I look for in a drug abuse treatment program?
When selecting a drug abuse treatment center, there are certain factors - the center's philosophy on addiction, its location - that are basically a personal choice for the client. But there are other essential services and features that you should expect from any good drug rehab center. They are:
•A caring, comprehensive patient intake process. Patient intake, or diagnosis, is important - part of curing a disease (which drug addiction is) is correctly identifying the problem. A drug addict may also need treatment for mental health/dual diagnosis issues, for example, or eating disorders.
•A compassionate, medically-supervised detox process that prioritizes client comfort. Detox - the cleansing of drug toxins from the client's system - isn't always pleasant, but choosing the right drug abuse treatment program can make a BIG difference when it comes to the detox experience. Reputable rehab facilities will, for client safety, keep the detoxing addict under medical supervision, while administering medications that will ease, or even eliminate, withdrawal symptoms.
•After drug or alcohol detox, both individual counseling and group therapy sessions should be available to assist the addict's emotional and psychological healing. Both forms of therapy should be administered by trained professionals with experience treating addiction.
•In addition to counseling, high-quality rehab programs will also allow the client to take a holistic drug treatment approach that includes exercise and/or meditation.
•The best rehabs also don't abandon their clients after the inpatient treatment stay is over. Returning to day-to-day life following drug rehab can be difficult, and good drug abuse treatment centers will guide their clients through that process - offering referrals to outside support groups or other aftercare."
This was copied from a website but includes what I believe is valuable information: 10 criteria for selecting the Best Drug Rehab Treatment Center
1) Client to Staff Ratio
There is no greater factor than the clinical integrity of the treatment team. Therapists need to be well educated and experienced. The ratio of patients to therapists should be low. Each patient deserves to have a therapist who has the time and energy to get to know them and provide quality counseling and clinical work. In order for that to happen, the lower the ratio of patient to therapist, the better.
2) Quality of the staff
The staff is there to teach clients how to change their behavior. A treatment center is only as good as their staff. The level of education and experience is especially important. A qualified therapist should have at least a Master’s Level degree in Social Work and Behavioral Science.
3) A Well Rounded, Clinically Oriented Program
This can be a difficult thing to access. Most programs offer a routine schedule to keep their clients busy and on track. The key component is the frequency each client can meet one-on-one with their primary care therapist each week. Group therapy is an important part of the program, but there is no substitute for one on one interaction with his or her primary therapist. This relationship is really the core of what rehab is all about.
4) Unique Features
What makes a particular drug rehab treatment center stand out? What types of therapy and activities do they offer that other rehabs do not?
5) Facilities
The actual facilities are more important than one might think. Some drug rehab alcohol treatment centers put their clients up in apartments, “off campus”. An enclosed residential setting is probably going to be more desirable. The nicer the facility the easier it is to build a client’s self worth and self esteem and help them learn the value of a healthy happy lifestyle.
6) Success rate
Determining the true success rate is very difficult. Ask the question of the person on the phone and listen carefully to the answer. If they hesitate, it might be a good sign there is a problem.
7) Size
When it comes to finding the best rehab, size can make a significant difference. The size of a drug rehab is counted as number of “beds”.
8) Specialty
One of the things that sets a rehab apart from the rest is they specialize in an area of expertise. For example, they may specialize in adolescent, faith based, wilderness, gender specific, ADHD, bi-polar or depression. Some places offer a program that is non 12 step based, which would also be considered a specialty.
9) Follow up care
One of the most important and overlooked points of a good rehab treatment center is aftercare. Aftercare is what plans and activities a program provides after the person leaves treatment. The best rehabs will offer a solid plan to make the sure their clients continue the process after leaving treatment.
10) Style Points
Style points are what we call some important little things that can add up to a big difference between one facility and another. Examples of “Style Points” are:
-The number of people sharing a bedroom and a bathroom
-Clients are treated with complete dignity and respect
-Making as much accommodation for all different kinds of people
-Security is very important
-All the staff members should be friendly and well informed
I felt this accurately articulates the focus points that are important to the process of choosing a treatment facility. I want to clarify that these are the kinds of things that I , personally, would want information on -especially in the early stage of learning to navigate the initial "on ramp" of the part of the journey associated with rehab/treatment facilities. Not "every" item above is going to reflect, or fit, what you consider applicable/appropriate or maybe even accessible regarding the nature of your individual circumstances and available resources at this particular moment in time. But, read through these points, Mom... Utilize this to help you define your next step, those things that feel right to you. I would say "good luck to you"...but, then, I believe that we manufacture our own spirit and result of "can do" in some ways regarding these heart-driven attempts to support ourselves and our addiction-challenged loved ones. We create more opportunity, and probably some more "luck", as we increase our education and creative problem solving ability. Some of the journey sucks...No debating that. But, don't stop trying "something else" until you begin to see and feel the results you are hoping for.
Keep a spiral handy and document the names of people you speak with at these treatment centers, and those items that you discussed that felt important to your circumstances. As you learn more about the process by experiencing it, you will increase your inquiries to include those things that will serve to add purpose-ful momentum to your journey.
Some things we can control and make changes to, like our decisions, our beliefs and philosophies about our life, and the tangible actions we instigate in reaching out for support. We need to keep moving and learning. That will help us discover what we believe, and will increasingly learn to have confidence in, as being the "next best thing" we can do for our circumstances."
Again Mom...Don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of support/encouragement. patti [dot] herndon [at] gmail [dot] com
To the community:
Some of the above under "treatment centers" is copied. As such, i just wanted to add that I, personally, don't espouse the "disease concept" regarding addiction - though I understand why some do. I respect all others right to determine their views on these subjects. In addition, I don't engage in debating about 'disease concept'. In terms of 'my' goals -which are squarely aimed at supporting and advocating on behalf those challenged either by their own, or by a loved ones substance use disorder;I frame addiction as a 'maladaptive coping response to anxiety/stress'. This terminology makes more sense to me and it avoids the stigma that can follow a result of framing addiction/person as 'diseased'.
While I'm at it: I avoid use of the label 'addict' whenever possible. I'm not suggesting that I don't ever use the term 'addict'. I just don't use it as a first line qualifier/description of another. It's important to use 'person first' language when referring to people who happen to have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol/or 'substance use disorder'.
The term "addict" has outlived its usefulness in most all applications.
Easy, but insight-providing social experimentation: Ask someone you know, who is challenged by a substance use disorder, which they'd prefer in the case their challenge is being discussed/commented on by others to them, or about them:
A) "He's an addict".
B) "My son/friend//co-worker 'who has' or 'who is challenged by' an addiction to alcohol/drugs.
Most will choose B. Yes. It takes longer to write/type or say...But if two seconds, and a few additional key strokes is that big of an issue that it would cause someone to ignore the obvious (and well studied) social benefits of 'person first language', then it's fair to suggest that there is a much bigger issue than 'time' as reason for us not being more socially aware/responsible and making the change to person first language.
Out of respect to those who have been, or who are challenged by a substance use disorder that have shared with me that they are personally offended by the term 'disease' and other terms/labels like 'addict', I choose to 'person first' terminology. We really all should raise our awareness about how words/labels can inadvertently attach 'stigma'. I choose to place a priority on making simple, but socially impacting changes where I can, any time I can. It's about evolution in responsible empathy and respect. It ain't a whole lot more complicated than that:0).
I am the one who wrote the original question above and wanted to share my experience with everyone.
I was down at Caron Renaissance for the family program and they are very tough on the addicts and families. After seeing the therapists in action for three days I see why they do what they do and why it is necessary. They do not coddle, they tell you straight out the way it is whether its what you want to hear or not. This is in no way an easy program and I feel that my son will come out of the program a better person because of it. I have read other comments on the internet about how they brainwash the addicts and attempt to break up families and after being there that does not happen. They are giving the addicts the best chance at long term recovery by making them be responsible for themselves and act like the adults they are. If anyone should have any other questions please feel free to contact me.
There is no easy way in recovering from drug addiction, the sooner you realized that the better strength you'll get to fight this problem. Your kind is in a drug center, this is a great thing, that means he's under the supervision of the specialists. You'd be surprised to know how many parents are praying for a chance like that for their own kids.
mom24420: It would appear that you had a pretty dramatic shift/'change of heart' regarding the treatment program/ staff approach regarding the facility you were inquiring about, that is, when taking into consideration the specific details that you shared in your 'original' post. Wishing you and your son continued enlightenment in your journeys. Taking in information from multiple sources is always a good approach. Getting feedback -from multiple sources- helps us in the parsing out of what best applies to our own individual circumstances... helps us gain faith and confidence in our ability to advocate effectively for our son/daughter challenged by a substance use disorder. Here is one such source regarding feedback on experiences from many different people:
lifeaftersobriety.wordpress.com/2011/04/24/caron-renaissance-treatment-center/
*Confrontational/coercive (or 'traditional') approaches in treatment are increasingly being traded for more 'collaborative' client-centered approaches, such as MI (Motivational Interviewing, ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) etc.. There are good sources of information regarding the benefits and limitations of different treatment methodologies to be found by utilizing the internet. Study study study. For me, learning about evidence-based treatments from MULTIPLE sources has served the decision-making processes that have best supported my son and our particular strengths, needs and circumstances.
Hi, I did have a dramatic shift but it was mostly to benefit my son at the time and that is why I am adding more about my experience at CR. They are extremely tough on the patients there and this may be an approach that works for some but will turn others off. I was questioned regarding posting my original question and was belittled for doing so. I was also asked to consider writing an addendum if I felt that it was appropriate. I felt it would be taken out on my son if I didn't abide. I was told I was being passive aggressive and basically was treated terribly during my time in the family program. I'm not an addict but if I left there feeling like the dirt on the bottom of someones shoe because I asked a question I can't imagine the impact that this kind of approach has on the patients. I did not find the approach helpful BUT my son to this day will tell you that he did get something out of the program. I found alot of things they did to be unprofessional in dealing with me and my concerns and even dealing with my son.
My son stayed in FL and was doing well until Feb when he slipped up and signed himself into detox and he is currently in a program in another state that uses a much more caring approach. The staff are recovering addicts themselves and he has been there almost two months and I haven't had one complaint about him and he is attending meetings and working his program in a very supportive environment where he feels comfortable. Parental visits are encouraged weekly and the program goes in 30 day increments, he requested to stay the 60 days and just recently requested to stay an additional 30. Any questions I have are dealt with promptly and directly and I am not given the run around.
One center may be perfect for some and completely wrong for others.
Mom24420: Best of everything to you in your journey.... and the best of recovery/increasing health to your son. It appears that you experienced some enlightenment regarding observations in 'spirits of approach' by those who work with patients/clients at treatment facilitates. And, that kind of learning is always a good thing.
*note: It isn’t necessary that a clinician be a recovered person in order to be effective in supporting a substance use disordered individual to and through recovery. A good clinician is a good clinician. However, in general, the more experience a clinician has...meaning, the more training and application they have in a 'wide range' of current, evidence-based methodologies, the better for the client and the client's family. I, personally, would advise parents to seek out clinicians that have a Masters degree in counseling, at a minimum. But, also important to mention that my son/family was benefitted by a couple of clinicians, along the way, that had an LCDC. We valued their input very much. And, one, in particular we hold very dear in our hearts to this day -15 years later. That said, the most concentrated support, the most stabilization and momentum we observed in our sons journey to recovery, occurred under the care of clinicians who had a Masters/PhD level of education/training.
To the community: There has always been a gap between what current, evidence-based science (i.e. brain science, psychological science, addiction science) shows to be 'the most effective' in helping individuals challenged by a substance use disorder/co-occurring disorder engage recovery/the change process. (notice the absence of the label 'addict'?)
(“Labels are for jars”. Labels like ‘addict’, ‘junky’, ‘enabler’, ‘codependent’, ‘drunk’, ‘alcoholic’, etc., need to be retired. We’ve learned a lot about the importance of ‘person first language’ in addressing addiction… and in speaking to, and about, individuals who have a substance use disorder –as well as in speaking to or about their family members. We perpetuate stigma and stereotypes by being unaware of the way in which the terms/words we use impact societal attitudes and perceptions about addiction, and about those who are challenged by an addiction. We can do better on behalf of everyone. So why not do better?)
And, that 'gap' is, to some degree, but, certainly, not in total a reflection of clinicians who work with individuals with substance use disorder that are not sufficiently trained in 'multiple' methods of approach in treatment. -i.e. a growing menu of studied/proven methodologies that will serve the clinician/counselor in applying 'the best' match, in terms of specific treatment approach(s)/frame(s), that are suited to the 'individual' client's strengths/needs, as well as consideration of the family system as a whole -its needs/strengths. We need to remember that people are 'individuals'. We all require autonomy in order to power through life problems and sustain our sense of self efficacy/hope through any challenge we face.
Generally, the most effective spirit of approach will be those that include a frame that is consistently respectful, calm, collaborative, empathy-driven, client-centered and non confrontational. Approaches that include this spirit of engagement support a substance use disordered individual (and his/her family members) toward gains in self efficacy and hope for the future. (self efficacy: the belief an individual holds that they can problem solve effectively for their circumstances -whatever the circumstances may be/however challenging the circumstances may be.) This collaborative, trust based/empathy based approach between a clinician and patient/client encourages and inspires an individual in resolving ambivilence about their substance use, onto recovery-purposed thoughts, then actions/new behaviors that will help them increasingly define their own reasons for recovery.
People with substance(s) use disorder/co-occurring mental health disorders use substances to cope with negative feelings/negative narratives/anxieties about their circumstances/their life. In other words, addiction is 'maladaptive coping'. It's a learned behavior/response. And, it is reinforced over some amount of time, if there is no intervention -that is, if the maladaptive coping response (their substance(s) use) is not replaced by healthier choices in coping. And that is absolutely possible. It's likely even. The vast majority of people with a substance use disorder recover. Many recover without any treatment at all.
Recovery is a process that takes time. We tend to be way too impatient and demanding (in a punitive sense) of people who are challenged by addiction. As a culture/society, we stigmatize individuals with addiction, we scapegoat them as a group, we stereotype type them. Enough already! We need to change that...because responding to someone with an addiction challenge in that way -a way that demonstrates judgment, impatience, lack of empathy- will tend to escalate their feelings of anxiety/stress...Makes sense, right?
Let's put ourselves in their shoes. We would feel increased anxiety/stress/anger/hopelessness, too, if we were struggling with a serious problem, and our parents/others in our sphere of influence reaction was that of 'being less than supportive'. The response to increased feelings of stress and anxiety, for someone with a substance use disorder is...using more alcohol/drugs to cope with the added stress and anxiety. I wish more parents/CSO's truly understood this.
Teens, and young adults in their early twenties are vulnerable to adopting/developing this 'substance use' coping response due to many factors, including biological -their under developed brain. The prefrontal cortex is the region of the brain that governs judgment, decision-making, reasoning, assessing consequences. This area of the brain does not fully mature until about age 25/26. That's attributable to certainly some of the lack of discernment, irresponsible behaviors/choices we commonly see in this age bracket. It gets better though... We were that age once. Not our best years of decision making -our teens and early 20's. That is...for the majority of us, anyway.
Parents: please do your research on what current addiction science supports as the 'most' effective methods/spirit of approach in addressing substance use disorder/co-occurring mental health disorder. Our collective has learned a great deal, in more recent decades about how punitive, negative methods of approach -that is, 'confrontational', or so-called Tough Love- can increase stall, as well as increase risk in those who are challenged by addiction. The days of getting up in an individual's face, getting up in their parents/family members 'grill' is over. The only folks still practicing this 'intimidating' stuff
are going to be those that lack education/training and good sense. That's harsh, I know. But, it's accurate.
There are fewer and fewer treatment centers/clinicians that implement this 'one size confrontation fits all' approach. Personally, I am very grateful for the advances in treatment/treatment approaches in more recent decades, for the increase in the number of effective methods there are to try. My son would not be in recovery if we were still stuck in applying 'only' 12 step philosophy.
It just takes us a while, as a collective, to catch up with current science. And, we can increase that 'gap filling' by being proactive as parents/family members of loved ones who have a substances use disorder by researching our 'arses' off.
Learn, learn learn...Then, when you're done learning what you've learned, apply it....Then, learn some more! And learn from MULTIPLE sources! There's no such thing as 'one stop shop' for learning about 'everything' that will, ultimately, serve you in advocating ‘the most’ effectively for your circumstances/your particular son/daughter or other addicted loved one. I discovered that a while back, by trial and error.
So, if you're idea of supporting, helping yourself, advocating for your son/daughter is going to a parent peer support meeting at the church 3 or 4 days a week, where the central method revolves around everyone venting cathartically about 'all the bad stuff their kid has done to them', while memorizing clichés like, "If your addicts lips are moving, then he is/she is probably lying"; (*sigh) consider trading in, at least, one of those 'support' meetings ??? (yeh...not exactly what I would call supportive) for another style of support...a more positive/hope building meeting style, such as SMART Recovery (Self Management and Recovery Training) online meeting. It's free. It's accessible, and it uses vidence-based, current approaches, like those based on the frame (MI) Motivational Interviewing, and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) to help loved ones/friends/family support themselves while also learning to be better effective support to their addiction-challenge son/daughter.
My son/my family, gain momentum in recovery when we shifted focus from those more 'traditional philosophies', that, really, mostly, only served to add to the stigma (you know the ones: addicts are selfish, addicts are liars, parents are enablers in denial..just 'take care of yourself'...'let ‘em hit bottom'...’suffer their consequences’, 'You can do nothing for your addict until they ADMIT they have a problem').
The truth is: None of those blanket assertions recognize the fact that people are individuals that recover, change, and grow 'best' when there exists a sense of autonomy and self efficacy...AND, when we are not being negatively stereotyped -stereotyped, at all, for that matter. By buying into these stigmatizing attitudes/notions , (well intended though these status quo notions were/are), our sense of self efficacy, our sense of empowerment was essentially 'blocked'. I, my son, my husband came away from these meetings with a sense that, "Ok. We are not alone. That's a plus. And, it is nice to fellowship with others who can empathize with our pain, fear, anger and frustrations... But, we are also not really getting any REAL help on how to problem solve/ or how to recognize, then utilize our own strengths for 'our' particular circumstances.
BTW: 'Self' ….autonomy…is not equivalent to 'selfish'. It's okay...it's necessary, even, to have a sense of self in order to overcome challenges, little by little. I'm pretty sure God is okay with us having a sense of self. He made us 'individuals', after all ;-)
Basically, this 'traditional peer support approach' just made all of us feel incapable of facilitating 'better' in our life. But, we didn’t recognize this impact on our spirit, at first. It took a while to see it. We were vulnerable to 'bad advice' from well intended folks. And, this happens all the time.
For so long there had been only one thing to do in response to the addiction of a child: Go to a meeting where there will be lots of other parents/spouses of 'addicts' and talk about all the bad stuff that happens, and hear about how "you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it”...then, go home and wait to see what scary thing was gonna happen next, that you're just supposed to 'let go and let God' deal with. Funny how that whole 'just take care of yourself and let go' approach didn’t seem to help me/help my son/my family gain a sense of empowerment and hope and CAN.
Our son was diagnosed in the late 90's. 12 step was pretty much all there was in terms of 'support'. Every parent, every clinician...everyone said, back then, "You just need to go to an Al Anon meeting". "Yep. It's the only thing to do. Uhhhhhh...Ok. So let me get this right: I, as a parent...a really good parent...am supposed to believe that, basically, "there is nothing I can do to help facilitate my son in gaining recovery ".
That 'philosophy' always felt...well... 'off the mark' to me. Not surprisingly to me, now…I realize I rarely spoke to anyone in those meetings (and I attended countless numbers of them over ten years) that demonstrated an authentically hopeful spirit in regard to their future. Eventually, it became clear that this was not helping ‘me’…So, I said, "No thank you" to that approach".
I'm a parent who CAN ;-) And, my son can. And, my family can. It took time. And, it's always going to be a journey. But, we gained steady momentum as we learned how to 'respond, rather than react' to the challenges that came tandem with my son's substance use disorder and co occurring depression. (I never gained a sense of that in traditional peer support meetings). And, we learned how to interact with/support our son in ways that utilized 'his' strengths...(Again, never learned that kind of stuff in any Al Anon meeting I attended). Not saying ‘all’ of them are ineffective….but, the vast majority of the meetings I attended did not provide me with a sense of empowerment for my circumstances. On the positive: I met and fellowshipped with kind, kind hearts. That, I will always be grateful for…
All of our kids have their innate strengths, even when they are challenged by addiction. As parents, it's our job to consistently help them recognize their own ability to make changes over time, little by little. Another positive I took away from the early years related to participating in traditional parent peer support meetings was inadvertent. I realized that 'CAN’T probably never would. I, personally, did not want to hear that word CAN’T anymore in ‘any’ 'support’ meeting I would invest my time and energy in. I had to learn to recognize when it was time to 'move on down the road' and engage another support resource, or two...A better fit for me, for my son, for my family…and that's what we did.
We can close the gap -the gap between what current science shows to be most effective in helping individuals and family systems engage and maintain recovery, and the so-called 'tough love', status quo approach of 'let go', 'detach (with love) –but, of course with love ;-) take care of 'ourselves', ‘can't control it, didn't cause...”, etc. But, in order to do that, we gotta engage those resources that fill us with a sense of empowerment...We gotta seek out learning/information and tools that have us trying 'the next thing', when what we are doing/applying/trying is not producing the results we hope for -in a reasonable amount of time.
Never stop trying to help your kiddo. And, when you need a break...take a break. But, then, get back to it. The journey is beyond difficult….but it’s doable. ‘Most’ people recover from their substance use disorder. Try to remember that. I got so bogged down in fear from all I was hearing and seeing about addiction tragedy’s that I didn’t have a balance of perspective about the reality: The truth that the vastest majority of people manage to engage recovery, and sustain it, in some amount of time. That’s important stuff to remember. It’s helps us hope better. And anything that helps us hope better…tends to help us COPE better.
Practice reflective listening. Listen to your son/daughter about how they feel about their challenges/their life circumstances. Repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Ask them if you are hearing them right. Be calm. Maintain a relaxed posture and facial expressions. Validate 'their' feelings. They have a lot of them, ya know. Try not to inundate them with all the things 'they have done to you'. They know their addiction is a problem -even if they don't verbally 'admit' it. Do you need to be right, 'more' than you want to genuinely help? Ask yourself that question.
They know they have disappointed you...They feel absolutely shitty about it. But, too much communicating about the problems 'they have caused', and no balance by way of their perceiving that you believe in their ability to make change, will send them in a negative direction....And, that can mean increased stress/anxiety...and that can lead to increased drug use and increased risk-taking behaviors. That's what we are trying to avoid, right?
Learn about those tools you can utilize that will increase the health of your communications/the relational dynamic in the family system. We parents establish that dynamic early on with our kids -either consciously or unconsciously -The more conscious we are about how we interact with our kids the better....So, it makes sense that we are the guardians of the communications style that occurs between them and us…even when they are making communications difficult/impossible. We still have the responsibility to do all we can to restore/build a healthy style of interacting/communicating with them.
It's amazing the momentum that is gained when we improve our communications style with our son/daughter who is challenged by an addiction. It's not a miracle, or anything. But, when we are in the practice of healthy, collaborative, trust-based, open communications there is less tension in the relational dynamic..When there is less tension in the relational dynamic, anxiety, (that is, anger/resentments/fear) can't get a foot hold and 'run the show'. And, when anxiety can't get a foot hold and run the show… folks, naturally, start having more, feeling more 'productive' energy, onto thoughts/cognitions that will lead to decisions/actions that help us problem solve....when we invest in believing they can continue to problem solve, no matter what (i.e. SELF EFFICACY) they do just that....They (we) problem solve!..Little by little, in a big way....Little steps add up to leaps and bounds in recovery.
We can become more and more aware of, not only our own ability to improve our circumstances, but, also, our son/daughter’s ability to improve their circumstances. That's a reflection of that whole 'innate strengths' thing that EVERYONE HAS regardless of the level of hardship we face.
I'm not suggesting this process is a cherry tree lined path to sustainable recovery...But, this process WILL gets us there. It takes time. And, often, the time it takes is longer than we might imagine. But, as we know more/learn more/cope better; we are also developing more and more reasonable, realistic expectations…expectations that reflect our individual circumstances.
Godspeed to us all :-)
Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination.
