Lost and Confused
Our son is 22 years old and started out on being addicted to vicodin. After awhile he delved into other things and is seriously additcted to Heroin i guess for about 6 months now. He has lost so much weight and only cares about his next high. He lives with his girlfriend and May 20th of last year had my grandson pulled from them for neglect. Cameron is 4 years old and is with my husband and i through CPS. My husband is at the point where he is ready to cut my son out of his life completly. Me on the other hand cannot do that. He has gone through Detox and refused a free 90 day rehab program. A few months after that we told him we would financialy pay for him to go to a nice rehab and will not do it. I can't lose my son. Any advice?
Answers
I don't pretend to have the right answers but I know some of how you feel. My 20 year old son is going through his first rehab for heroin. I understand what you mean that you can't cut him out of your life. I keep telling myself that my baby is still inside this drug addicted person that I don't know. I have come to realize that we can't make anyone get better - even through love. Having said that I also believe that love can keep an addict connected to the world beyond drugs.
I reached out to a business friend who is a recovering alcoholic - 20 years in recovery - and found his advice to me most helpful, yet painful. He told me to save my money on expensive rehabs. THe same services are available free and nothing will work until the person wants it. My son turned down an expensive 90 program for a 30 day local outpatient one. I have no idea what the 90 day program would have given him, but I can see that my son is not working as hard at the program as he could/should. In fact I find myself stressing out more than he is stressed out. My friend keeps me grounded with the notion that ANY program will work if the person wants it to.
I try to live "one day at a time." For me that keeps things manageable and lets me also try to live my life (I work full time and have 2 other kids and a husband). Having said that, I am a work in progress. Some days are better than others.
I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. I think every person deep inside wants to get better and do the right thing. That is the hope that I hold onto. I know the little boy I raised would want a good life. By telling my son I believe that he will have a better life, I am hoping that he will also grab hold of that thought and at the right time, run with it.
I am so sorry for all of you. my prayer will be with you. I think I am dealing with the same situation. Do they ever admit that they are using? You want to believe them so bad because if you dont than you realize there is a huge problem that you have to deal with. this is all new to me and I feel like my hands are tied. I dont know If I could throw my son out. I wonder what would happen if he was out in the streets and something happened to him. I would hate for him to hate me and have such a terrible relationship and I loose. Him. It would make it worse. I worry about the drugs killing him. Its very scary I am so confused about how to handle this.
I realized that I spent a lot of time believing both of my boys, only to find out that the majority of the things that they were telling me for the last two years were lies. I did so much for both of them. I actually gave my urine to my oldest so that he could get a job and lied for my youngest so that he could have time to get marijuana out of his system so that they did not revoke his probation. I did this because I love them and wanted them to always love me. I realize now that none of that made any difference. My relationship with both of them is awful and I cry every day because of it. We all want to believe our kids, but eventually we need to start being honest with ourselves.
I know what all of you are thinking and feeling. I know about raising my son's children that he cannot handle. I know about my son's homelessness and driving by and checking if he may be sitting at the bus stop. I know about late night tears and early morning phone calls. I know about mugshots and jail and prison. I know about the lying, oh the lying. I have been living this life for over 8 years and it is a sad story that continues and continues and continues. He is a good boy with a good heart and the devil just rides on his back, keeps kicking him. He is lost. He is a mess. He is loved by me, his father. I miss him. He called me on Fathers Day and said he wished he could come by but it is too far to come all that way. A friend of mine saw him at the store about 1/2 mile from our house, yes...more lies. He is a good boy with a great heart.
BOB2US, I feel for you. The Father's Day thing was awful. I know what you feel about the lies. They seem to never stop. I just asked my youngest, 18, when I entered his room and it smelled of weed/spice, why he smoked in my house. He kept playing his game and denied it. I walked over to the side of his bed only to find the gravity bong. I gave him 3 rules the night before and one of them was no drugs. His brother, 19, is going to prison because of drugs. It was a simple rule that he could not follow so I told him he was out of my house for one week. He's at his friends and the parents are ok with him staying there. I also told him that while he was away he had to keep his job or he could not come back here. He quit showing up at work. I am so tired. I have two boys screwing up constantly. I am so sad and so lost. I do know how you feel.
@ MY2MEN - Oh yes, this is so sad for everyone involved. My oldest is 27 and he is the one with the drug problem..When he was younger, he actually "pretended" to go to a job for 2 weeks (he was hired and worked for the first 2 day) but what he was really doing was hanging out with his friends and doing drugs. I use the terms "friends" loosely. They were actually co-dependent relationships based on drug use. The sadness of all this hurts so deeply that I had to change because I knew my son was not going to. He is older and I realized he can't change without serious help. I hate him some days, I miss him some days and I ALWAYS love him. I know you are tired. It is so exhausting. I protected my son for years and then when we adopted his child, I had no way to protect him anymore. I had to face the truth because friends, coworkers and neighbors would ask alot of questions...so it was time to change myself. I started to tell the awful stories about my son and people were shocked. H ewas such a bright boy and friendly to all. Believe me, you would like him if you met him. But now, he has certainly changed. I know he is stealing and begging for money. I have seen him do it. It's so hard to watch. My son begging???
I also know the pain that comes when a son is incarcerated. It almost killed me. I felt so "out of place" when I would go visit him. I felt like I was in another universe somewhere and this couldn't be real. I am a grown man and I cried like a baby every time I drove there and back. I t was unimaginable.
When he lived with us I was dating a woman (who is now my loving wife). One day she went out to her truck only to find that it had been stolen. For about 2 weeks we waited in the hopes they would recover the vehicle. Finally (in about 2 weeks) they found her truck in a very nice neighborhood. It appeared suspicious to people because there was a person who seemed to be living in the car. Well, long story short, it ended up being my son's friend and he was living in the truck. He had to park it there because he ran out of gas and had no money to get some. He was, of course, a drug addict. So, next thing that happened was the cops dragged my son from his bedroom and arrested him. He had actually stolen the spare key that I kept for her truck out of a bedroom drawer. I was so hurt that he could do this to my wife and I. It was one of the worst days of my life. That costs him 2 years in prison. He was now unreachable...he was too far gone.
He has continued this lifestyle for 7 years and has told me he wants to change. I really am not too sure, he is a liar and a thief and an addict.
I am praying for you and hope that you are doing ok, I really do care. I am glad I found this forum, after all these years it never ends and it feels good to at least talk about it.
Bob2Us.......Thank you for writing. It doesn't sound right to say that I'm happy someone can relate to what I am going through because it's a horrible situation, but I don't feel so alone. Today, Friday the 13th, I will be taking my son to his Federal hearing. After this they will be putting him into an inpatient drug rehab. When he finishes, they will then give him his sentence. I have no idea what it will be. The sad thing is is that I am already worried for when this is all over whether or not he will get back into heroin. Isn't that sad! He hasn't even completed this process and I'm already worried about what can happen later. I never pictured either of my kids getting into anything like this. They were my little men. I did everything to keep them from living this kind of life. I ask myself every day how this could have happened. What is your son actually doing now? Where is he living? Is he working? It's so sad to say that our kids are liars, theives and addicts but it's the sad truth. Life is so unfair especially when you did everything you could to prevent them from living this type of lifestyle. I will pray for you too. Keep in touch.
