Day 1
My son entered rehab today. I have hope. I am scared to hope. I alternate between being so proud of him for taking this step, and being afraid that he will not continue to take the steps he needs to be successful in his treatment.
It was a 2 hour drive to the treatment facility, and he wanted me to stay with him throughout the 3 1/2 hour admission process. I was midly surprised that he asked me to stay. He was so anxious and nervous, and kept telling me he was so sorry that he had let things get to this point. I wanted to ask "Why did you?" I wanted to ask "What did I do wrong as your mom? Why didn't I know how to help you?" I wanted to cry. I wanted to say "Come home, and just do what you know is RIGHT!" Instead, I said, "Don't apologize. I am proud of you for doing this. Make it your past, and look towards your future. Take this seriously, be honest, and do this for YOU." He just shook his head "yes".
When it was time for me to go, he stood to hug me, and once again told me he was sorry. I was determined to be strong, and not cry. But when his arms came around me, I cried. I felt like I was letting him down by leaving him there. I felt that I must have let him down as he was growing up if he got to this point. He looked so small, even though at 6'1" he towers over me. I felt as helpless as he looked. And for a split second I flashed on his first day of kindergarten. Me walking him into that room. His big blue eyes huge with the fear of me leaving him. I remembered thinking that leaving him was the hardest thing I'd ever done. And I felt like that again today. Even though I know it is for the best, it was hard for me to turn away and walk out the door. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can only imagine how he feels.
Today is Day 1. I pray that he finds the strength he needs to fight his demons. I pray I have the strength he needs me to have to help him.
User Comments
Thank you for sharing. My stepson needs to take this step and his Mom and I just don't know how to find the way. He is 16. I want to hear more - how you found the courage - how your son found the strength and motivation to get to this place.
I have tried for several years to get my son to agree to counseling. He has gone twice because I made him. He was a teenager at the time. He has gone several times as part of a probation agreement. He is there now because he chose to go. He is facing a revokation of probation at this point in time. He seems to have finally hit bottom, and kept saying that he couldn't believe that he let things go this far. He says he understands that he is still going to have to face the court system after his rehab. I hope and pray that getting clean helps him face the struggles ahead, and that he doesn't turn, yet again, to drugs and alcohol. All I can say to you is to keep offering rehab as an option to your stepson, but know that he was to get to the point where he wants it.
My son's story is very long, and the path to how we got to where we are is sad. I'm not emotionally ready to share it all yet. Mainly, because I just feel like such a failure for some of the decisions I made. I know in my heart of hearts that he was raised to know the difference between right and wrong. But, I can't help but wonder...did I not express those qualities in a nurturing and loving way? What made him think he had to turn to drugs and alcohol instead of his family? Those are questions that I so desperately what answered, but I'm too fearful to ask.
I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer. Good luck with your stepson. The best advice for me to give you, and advice that I which I would have had, is no matter what happens, let your stepson know how much he means to his family. Just because you don't like his actions doesn't mean you don't care for him. Please do that, for yourself as well as him.
Dearest Daybyday12, as much as you feel the way you do this is the time you need to look after you and educate yourself as much as you possibly can. Look on my profile on setting limits. It is documentation from ADDAC. You need to read them and then live them. These journeys we take as parents are long and hard, but I promise you if you arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can and live by it, life will be easier. There is much info on my profile and some poems. The article on this site by Ron Grover 7 truths about my son that took 5 years to learn pretty much puts into perspective. Do not be discouraged it teaches you that you cannot change someone but you can change yourself. There is a lot of info on my profile of that also. Learn also about recovery so you can understand what may be, what many things you can expect to happen and deal with it the way it should be dealt with. Read on this site Kamanlove's journals. He is in recovery and has very valuable info that comes from experience. Also try to locate pamphlets by Hazelden. They helped me alot. Live day by day. One problem at a time. You will learn how to live this way if you start really educating yourself. Hope this helps.
