My son entered rehab today. I have hope. I am scared to hope. I alternate between being so proud of him for taking this step, and being afraid that he will not continue to take the steps he needs to be successful in his treatment.
It was a 2 hour drive to the treatment facility, and he wanted me to stay with him throughout the 3 1/2 hour admission process. I was midly surprised that he asked me to stay. He was so anxious and nervous, and kept telling me he was so sorry that he had let things get to this point. I wanted to ask "Why did you?" I wanted to ask "What did I do wrong as your mom? Why didn't I know how to help you?" I wanted to cry. I wanted to say "Come home, and just do what you know is RIGHT!" Instead, I said, "Don't apologize. I am proud of you for doing this. Make it your past, and look towards your future. Take this seriously, be honest, and do this for YOU." He just shook his head "yes".
When it was time for me to go, he stood to hug me, and once again told me he was sorry. I was determined to be strong, and not cry. But when his arms came around me, I cried. I felt like I was letting him down by leaving him there. I felt that I must have let him down as he was growing up if he got to this point. He looked so small, even though at 6'1" he towers over me. I felt as helpless as he looked. And for a split second I flashed on his first day of kindergarten. Me walking him into that room. His big blue eyes huge with the fear of me leaving him. I remembered thinking that leaving him was the hardest thing I'd ever done. And I felt like that again today. Even though I know it is for the best, it was hard for me to turn away and walk out the door. I am emotionally and physically drained. I can only imagine how he feels.
Today is Day 1. I pray that he finds the strength he needs to fight his demons. I pray I have the strength he needs me to have to help him.