My Lost Boy
I have experienced plenty of pain and sorrow in my life as most people at age 46. An abusive husband, a special needs middle child, a rebellious older child, in her younger years, a dead beat boyfriend or two, job disappointments, and everything in between. I’ve been in domestic violence court many times, stood up to my ex in a battle for the right of my kids to have peace and harmony and won!
I’m no stranger to sleeping in closets to protect my kids from their emotionally abusive dad, working long hours to get ahead while raising three kids, or any myriad of stressors. I have more than survived, the devil has never won! My heart pure and still, never fearing anything because I know my God, I know that when the world disappoints, HE is faithful.
Today fear and despair are my enemies; I am crushed beyond words, for now it’s my son in grave danger. The most precious of all my blessings is in trouble and my heart is in so much pain. I feel lost and in some ways, as alone as my lonely boy! I can’t imagine a day without him or the scary possibility that his mental illness, immaturity, and now substance abuse, could take him away from me forever! I would take on my entire past all over again to spare this boy any pain; However, I am powerless, I can only frame his world in a structure that will give him a reset, a chance to recover in a place where he’s out of harm’s way. So, I took him to a behavioral health facility to address his anxiety, depression, and marijuana abuse. My son has been going to an AIOP since early June. He has been supervised and kept very busy, yet he continues to be totally engrossed in the drug culture and there was no other way but to escalate his level of care.
I sat on my couch on Thursday when I returned home from leaving him with so many tears streaming down my face that I could hardly see the screen on my computer. Feeling so hurt for my 15 year old son, my lost boy! He is and has always been a charismatic, charming, sensitive boy, a loving son to his mother, a good brother to his sisters, and the apple of this family’s eye, literally the star of our show! Being significantly younger than his older sister, she has been his second mother; they have always been two peas in a pod, a unique and special relationship bonded in love and sometimes by the framework of a single working parent’s home. I have never believed in being driven by guilt. It is a wasted emotion, too little to late I say. Nevertheless, the questions linger, should I have married and moved my 13 year old son from my ranch to suburbia? Suburbia has brought him nothing good and I feel responsible. When he hit puberty my whole world changed and so came different friends, disrespect, and irritable angry behavior. He's a person riddled with anxiety. No school field trips, lots of isolation, cutting, and marijuana became his coping mechanisms. It has been mind blowing to see him downward spiral in under a year.
We visited him this past weekend at the facility, both days for a few hours. Yesterday, he was miserable, sad and was my true lost boy!. He's never been away from home and the shock of this facility, it's structure, and surroundings now a reality. I was their for two hours and he cried for 95% of the time. My husband and I felt complete despair to see my boy so depressed, not using a single coping skill because he just couldn't. I finally asked one of the people that works at the facility to come and talk with him and listen to his fears. My boy doesn't know how to ask for what he needs, he just bottles everything inside. Today's visit was 100% better, he was a different person. I guess once he shed his fear and pain he was able to connect to a few people there and start becoming a part of that community. I'm concerned for him. He has a hard time coping with small things, like spilling tea on the counter, how's he going to deal with life without substances or cutting? I'm not 100% sure that I know what the right thing to do is. I need to think ahead, I don't know how long he will be at this facility and I think he's need more that 30 days or even 45 days. I pray for God's presence in my life and to have the wisdom to do the best I can to help my young son walk away from his self destructive behavior.