~ Holding On to Hope~
Its Oct 27, 2011 today makes 1 week since I have heard from my son in jail. He called me on Oct 20th to tell me how I betrayed him, how I was selfish, and how he was done with me for calling the law on him. His one question was WHY? When I tried to explain to him that watching him slowly kill himself, having his brother and sister witness his behavior when high not to mention giving me no choice but to watch it since he continuously came to my home when messed up he wasnt trying to hear it. No mom this is your selfish act because you had me locked up the day before my 25th birthday. Its mom's fault that he decided to start shooting up, that the police found numerous needles in my home.. Its my fault.
God how wish he could only see how much my heart breaks for him. How emotional distraught my mind and soul is for feeling like I had no other choice. ( I had told him before he came out of rehab, do not come to our home messed up ) I try so hard to stand firm when talking with him, and I do well with that... constantly telling him that these were his choices not mine and he not only came to my house messed up out of his mind, on god only knows what but he brought needles and drugs into my house as well not caring that his siblings would see them or potential be stuck by one of them.I tell him how much I love him, but I also let him know Im not enabling anymore. For 8years we have as a family have walked the road of addiction with my son. As a family we have been lied to, stolen from, cried, begged , pleaded, prayed and enabled. So honestly in my mind I know what I did was the right thing for him and for us. We have as much right to live our life the way we choose as he does.. If the foundation cracks then the entire building is in distress, thats what I tell myself to rationalize my actions; its for the other two childrens well being as well as my grown son's. At the conclusion of our last conversation he said , you think your going to stop me from doing drugs? well your not, ill do my time, then i will get out and do them again ...you will see...then click the phone went dead. I guess just as a mom I keep looking for some support because so often when your in these situations you feel so alone. When the day is done and you lie in bed at night, you so want to fix this, as a mom we want to be able to reach out and just make it all better. I think of the times when he was just a little boy with so much life and energy in his eyes, with such an infectious belly laugh that would cause anyone around to stop and smile.. I deal with ups and downs, of being angry one minute for all he has put us through, to being so overwhelmed with sadness and love for him that I just dont know what to do.
A parents Love for their child, is like no other love in the world. If only we could make it all better for them. Instead we as parents are left with only holding on to hope that someday they will win their fight against addiction.