~ Holding On to Hope~
Its Oct 27, 2011 today makes 1 week since I have heard from my son in jail. He called me on Oct 20th to tell me how I betrayed him, how I was selfish, and how he was done with me for calling the law on him. His one question was WHY? When I tried to explain to him that watching him slowly kill himself, having his brother and sister witness his behavior when high not to mention giving me no choice but to watch it since he continuously came to my home when messed up he wasnt trying to hear it. No mom this is your selfish act because you had me locked up the day before my 25th birthday. Its mom's fault that he decided to start shooting up, that the police found numerous needles in my home.. Its my fault.
God how wish he could only see how much my heart breaks for him. How emotional distraught my mind and soul is for feeling like I had no other choice. ( I had told him before he came out of rehab, do not come to our home messed up ) I try so hard to stand firm when talking with him, and I do well with that... constantly telling him that these were his choices not mine and he not only came to my house messed up out of his mind, on god only knows what but he brought needles and drugs into my house as well not caring that his siblings would see them or potential be stuck by one of them.I tell him how much I love him, but I also let him know Im not enabling anymore. For 8years we have as a family have walked the road of addiction with my son. As a family we have been lied to, stolen from, cried, begged , pleaded, prayed and enabled. So honestly in my mind I know what I did was the right thing for him and for us. We have as much right to live our life the way we choose as he does.. If the foundation cracks then the entire building is in distress, thats what I tell myself to rationalize my actions; its for the other two childrens well being as well as my grown son's. At the conclusion of our last conversation he said , you think your going to stop me from doing drugs? well your not, ill do my time, then i will get out and do them again ...you will see...then click the phone went dead. I guess just as a mom I keep looking for some support because so often when your in these situations you feel so alone. When the day is done and you lie in bed at night, you so want to fix this, as a mom we want to be able to reach out and just make it all better. I think of the times when he was just a little boy with so much life and energy in his eyes, with such an infectious belly laugh that would cause anyone around to stop and smile.. I deal with ups and downs, of being angry one minute for all he has put us through, to being so overwhelmed with sadness and love for him that I just dont know what to do.
A parents Love for their child, is like no other love in the world. If only we could make it all better for them. Instead we as parents are left with only holding on to hope that someday they will win their fight against addiction.
User Comments
Your story sounds so close to my own. My son is 27 and I had promised myself that I would be done if he didn't change by 25, but here I am, still crying daily. His 2 older sisters want nothing to do with him but he has 1 sister who enjoys drugs with him. I hope soewhere there is help for our children and ourselves.
I am in a very similar position. I had to call the police on my son and have him involuntarily committed to a facility. I know I did the right thing, but it's late..my mind is racing.. and my heart is broken. I tried calling him tonight, he came to the phone but slammed it down as soon as he heard my voice. It hurts so much that he can't see, or doesn't care, how much I love him and how hard it is to have to watch him destroy his life. My heart breaks for you because I know firsthand how you feel. You did the right thing, but I know that knowing that with your mind doesn't make it feel better in your heart.. one of your sentences really struck a cord with me: "We have as much right to live our life the way we choose as he does". All these years I've been allowing HIS choices to dictate how I live my life. I don't think it ever really occurred to me that I do have a right to live my life.. to be able to leave the house without fear of who he may invite in or what might go missing.. to not have to sleep with my purse and car keys under my pillow, to have a bottle of wine in the house in case I decide I would like to have a glass with dinner. There are so many things like that that have become so "normal" for me that I sometimes forget how ABNORMAL it is.. I too have a younger child who doesn't deserve to live like this either. My son is an adult now.. chronologically anyway.. and he needs to start acting as such. He can certainly choose to continue to use drugs and not take care of himself. I can also choose to not be a part of that.
I hope things get better for you. The more I read the more I hear that we have to "Let Go and Let God". It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but deep down I know it's the best advice. Some day, hopefully, our sons will thank us for finally holding them accountable for their actions so that they could learn life's hard lessons and start on their road to recovery. God Bless!
My son recently just got arrested because everytime he got high off k2 I called the cops. He had charges pressed 2x in one day and that same night still stole my credit card to go get more. He use to call me every blue moon no matter where he was to just say "I love you mom" now I get called horrible names. He was recently arrested for all the charges I brought against him. Although my heart is broke and it hits me to my core, I know he is safe and hopefully on the path of recovery. I know he is upset with me, but I wont sit back and do nothing. Ill see him in handcuffs before I allow it and Id rather him hate me for the rest of my life then sit back and hate myself because I did nothing about it. God bless all of you, I know you know the pain Im feeling. There is nothing stronger then a mothers love.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT! He will try his hardest to make it your fault but nope. ALL of it is his fault. My 21 yr. old son is an addict. I've tried my best to help him, since he was 12 yrs. old. Doctors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counselors, Mental/behavior inpatient programs. Drug rehab inpatient/out patient treatment. Having him arrested, kicking him out, you name it, I've tried it. If a person does not want to change, or does not want our help, there is nothing we can do. I live on the East Coast USA. Presently, my 21 yr. old son is sitting in a prison on the West Coast. The only consolation that fact gives me is....he's still alive. Never give up hope and never take the blame, and NEVER try to justify YOUR actions......IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
(((hugs))) to all.
Wow! I just got on this site tonight (almost this morning) for the first time...out of desparation. I had my son arrested a week ago for stealing my car to go get drugs. It's a couple of weeks before Christmas and I feel like the lowest of the low. Having my son arrested? I guess my hope is that he will be locked up long enough to detox and hopefully have a better chance of conquering this addiction. In the meantime, other family members (enablers) said that I am destroying his life and his record. MY THINKING: I could very well be saving his life! Atleast for the time that he is locked up. I so agree with one of the previous comments, "LET GO AND LET GOD!" I, like you, still have children at home to raise. And they deserve ALL of my attention and ALL of the opportunities that life has to offer. Our grown sons deserve the same, but THEY have to be the ones to make the decision to take advantage of it. I SUPPORT YOU! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
You are all very strong and it gives me courage. It's always easier to read someone else's stories and think they are right to do what they are doing, but to actually do it is another thing isn't it. Being a part of this now gives me hope, understanding and confidence in the things that will come my way. Thank-you for sharing, it opens one eyes and it doesn't feel so alone anymore. I also support you and your family. You all need each other.
It is definitely not your fault, never blame yourself if you haven't done anything. Be positive, everything is gonna be alright. Hope is the best thing in the universe, you should just hang on to it.
My daughter is in the same boat. I know she loves me and can't help it but I can't help her anymore until she really wants it. God help us all. It's all that can be done after 4 years of horror. I love her and will never give up hope but that's all I can give her.
Not only is it a parent's love for their child, it's a mother's deep love. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It must be agonizing to see him go through this on a daily basis. Just remember that you are doing the best you can to guide this young person to a balanced, healthy lifestyle. Is he seeing a consoler? I'd highly suggest it.
I understand what you feel...I have only one daughter, she is an adult child. She spent quite a while in prison...and swore when she was done serving her time..she would never go back to that. Now there seems to be a lot of evidence that she is headed back down to a really dark place. I have raised and had custody of my grandson(her child) for about 9 years...and he has been seeing her since she was released in 2009. However...on the last visit, last week, I found out he got high while in her care...with her "friends"...he is only 12!!! My husband and I immediately went a pulled him from her home and brought him back to mine. She is furious, hates me...hates all of us in the family. She is totally self destructive in her actions and manner. I do not want to be in this place again. I am getting through everyday...reminding myself of everything I know and have learned while in treatment previously myself..ALANON and couseling...but, I cannot tell you the mixture of feelings created. Although I know what I must do, My heart aches so much for she is my baby...it is a battle within my self...what is in my head and in my heart cannot ever seem to completely connect.
I know I am not alone in the battle of having a child that is a drug addict. It is horrible, degrading, humiliating and some days I can barely get through the day just thinking about her. I have no idea where she is. I only hear from her periodically but she doesn't let me know where she is. That way I cannot inform the police. She is being charged with 5 felony counts for intent to sell. She also has pending charges for animal abuse. She left her dogs alone for days without food & water. Also one was contained in a small kennel. This is not my daughter. She was outgoing. She could have been a model. She also had a beautiful voice and starred in a high school play with the lead role. How could something like this happen??? My husband and I are devastated! I want my daughter back before it's too late. I have been told she has been close to over-dosing several times. We are just waiting for the phone call.... I want this madness over with... and a normal family again. Please God!!!
Every disaster you will see moving and sad scene. Some mother saves her own child with her life. Sometimes you will think that it is impossible for the mother, but mother does it. Sometimes you think that mother is a god, because she should die with their child, but she saves her and her children. Mothers create countless miracles in the world. The entire miracle that you think that it is not true. But they do it. I have read a story. A cerebral palsy receives five American famous university acceptances. How amazing that we know that this kind of child, they don’t say if they can study. They even cannot care for themselves. Anything of their life, they need someone. And they hardly lose many abilities to do many things. They cannot take anything and sometimes they cannot speak. However, this kind of child becomes a great student who is full of knowledge. Can you believe it? But it is the true. The mother never gives her child, even though the child gives herself up. The mother says that we don’t expect anything
We hit as much suitable to lively our vilification the way we opt as he does.. If the fundamental cracks then the total building is in painfulness that what I enjoin myself to alter my actions its for the otherwise two children advisable being as excavation as my grown son's. At the closing of our live conversation he said you anticipate your exploit to halt me from doing drugs? vessel your not, ill do my measure, then i instrument get out and do them again you testament see...then plosive the phone went uncharged. I sustenance because so oftentimes when your in these situations you consider so uncompilable
There are few sadder architect on apple than the afterimage of a man or woman who has absent all hope. In difficult times, achievement can be elusive, but those who abode their acceptance in God's promises charge never lose it. After all, God is good; His adulation endures; He has promised His accouchement the allowance of abiding life. And, God keeps His promises.
I can't live ths way anymore vwe have been dealing with her while she lived w us thru high school. Drugs, alcohol , promiscuity and not coming home for weeks. Finally by some miracle she graduated from high school and moved Back in w her mother. I am married to her dad and his x and e are on good terms fr years. In 2003 she met a guy and now 2o12 they have a 7 , 5 and 2 year old. All thru these years drugs ave been involved. Endless calls for money, food, bail, gas, rent, diapers, u name it. At first we thought if we helped it would make things better. They have had times w sobriety but it never lasts. In 2009 all 5 moved to Illinois to be by us. We thought what a nice thing. Be around to c r grand kids grow. But omg we were sooooooooo wrong. Drugs, police, trouble , thousands of dollars and the requests never end. The lies and the fights when we say no. Our money is there's as they seem to think. We were near bankruptcy and they don't care. Track marks everywhere on their hands n arms. Getting amazing jobs and losing them. Not following up with appointments for food assistance. It's unfathonable to me. Their landlord is a cop n they aren't phased by it. I live each day w anxiety, depression, arguments , requests for money all day everyday and ifi say no I am stalked at work until I break. My job is in jeopardy because they won't leave me alone. I can't take it n e more but the kids I don't know what to do. She holds the kids over my head all the time. I am scared to death one of them is gonna get seriously hurt or worse. She sleeps n let's them run the house. And just because my story is so long just multiply the intensity by 10 and u may get an idea of how chaotic and hopeless my life is everyday. Now she has started to steal from us and today she about wrecked her van w e in it because she was high. Idk what to do. The kids make it so are for me to turn my back on her. I need help. I need My life back I deserve my own life. I am broken beyond words.
Y story
Just don't bother to what he is saying about you, after all what you did is right and for his sake. Only irresponsible parents can tolerate and ignore what their kids is doing even they know it is a big NO NO. Time will come, that your kid will realize that you made those things because of the care and love you have for them.
Thank you for sharing, open one eye and not feel so alone anymore. I also encourage you and your family. You all need each other.
Sounds like you have done all you could. I've gone through the same with my daughter. Unfortunately I was an enabler. Everything I did (I thought) was out of love. It is a sickness and they do not see and you cannot let him worry you to your grave.....I said worry you, this doe not mean you do not love your son. My daughter is 24 and finally got through probation and decided to mess up again. She owes fees in another state. One month later, she messed up again, got bailed out, has court on this week and guess what.....she's in the pokey again. This is just a short summary of her stunts but I had to let go and know I was not to blame. Now this is coming from a lady that went through divorce, was later diagnosed with cancer (free now), and have lymphedema. I have to get on with my life as you do as well. We love our kids and do what's best and that's all you can do. I totally understand and try not to continue beating yourself up. There is light at the end of the tunnel. God bless.
I'm only a little more than a month into our son's addiction, but I want to encourage you--nothing that a truly loving parent does when faced with this sort of thing is easy. But my husband and I know that the two of us have to be ok--we're what we have, and we MUST be able to live our lives. As sad as I feel about all of this, I would feel much worse allowing him to have a bed in our home knowing he was using heroin. Please try to understand that when the drugs talk, they are very, very ugly. You are doing what you have to do to survive. It wouldn't do you, your addict, or the rest of your family any good for you to fall apart. God bless you--my heart goes out to you, and my prayers are with you.
I found this website today. My heart goes out to all of you. I am going through the same ordeal. My son is 24 and is on herion. Overdosed once, been in rehab 2 times. Nothing I can say or do is making a difference. I want to give up and crawl in a hole and die. That would be much easier than hanging around watching my son die. My older son and daughter was also on drugs. The son went to rehab and is doing well. My daughter was in jail for a year on drug charges and she is fine today....now she is trying to help the younger son but I am afraid there isn't much we can do. He has to do it and I know that but just not willing to accept it. I can't live my life for thinking of how he is ruining his. If someone had told me he would be the one that ended up on drugs I would have slapped their face. He was the younger one that saw the older kids go through the same thing and I just knew he wouldn't do it but he has and now look at us. That is about all I can say. I pray everyday he sees the light. I pray everyday he gets picked up and put in jail. At least I would know he is safe from the drugs....... I don't know....so sad. God Bless you all.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, but let me tell you that I was once where your son is in life, and my father did the exact same thing, he threw his hands up, he loved me so much, that he did what he thought would keep me alive for another day, and today I love him so much for being the Only person to actually help me! I too didn't see it at the time, I wouldn't speak to him either. Once the fog cleared in my brain, I realized how much courage it took for him to do what he did. Today I am going on 6yrs clean, I've got a wonderful man in my life, and 2 beautiful babies. I look back at where I was and everyone around me would pacify me, enable me, and they thought they were helping but they were helping me kill myself by getting sucked into my lies and my sickness. Your son has to get away from the people, places and things that trigger him for him to have a chance, and honestly jail is going to help "dry" him out. I've went to 3 different rehabs and I still couldn't stay clean, but my dad calling the police on me was what changed my life. I will pray for you, stay strong, in my opinion your giving him a fighting chance.
That is wonderful.......I don't know you and yet I am so proud of you!
WORRIEDMOM56, I am 32 now and when I sit back and take a look at my life, I NEVER thought in a million years I would have the life I have today. When I was in active addiction, I truly thought my life was already over and I didn't think there was hope for me. I wasn't an occasional user, I was full blown on dope everyday of my life, I couldn't live without pills,etc. I remember looking at "normal" ppl and thought to myself how do they do it? It took alot for my dad to do what he did, but I'm so grateful that somebody finally took that stand for me!
