What do I do

What do I do

lladelle's picture
23 comments Editor's Choice

I have a son who will be 20 years old next month. For the last 4 years he has been doing drugs (opiates mostly), drinking and a whole lot of pot. I have called the police on him on more than one occasion (he is a very violent drunk). My son has been 5150'ed 4 times. The last police involvement was over a year and a half ago. About 2 years ago I had my son go live with his dad because I have another son at home who has some mental health issues that I was also dealing with. I was also concerned with my younger son's safety. The only treatment my son has ever had is an out-patient program through Kaiser (which I attended with him) when he was 17. My son has refused any form of in-patient treatment (or at this point any treatment at all). He will not even admit he has a problem. I believe his drug use started around the time he stopped taking his Adderall. He is ADHD and has been on medication in the past for depression. He recently told me that he takes drugs to stop all the nonsense that goes on in his head all day. He has agreed to see a regular therapist (which I guess is a start, however as soon as he mentions any drug use they will send him over to the out-patient rehab and he will refuse to go back there).

My issue is I feel that my ex-husband is enabling my son so severely that he is allowing my son to become a more serious addict. He gives him money every single day. He allows him to live at home with no expectations at all. My son does take a class at the college two days a week (when he goes). He has never had a job and has no interest (or reason) to get one. My son has a friend living there who is a serious pot/hash smoker. I walked in on them smoking hash in the garage with my ex-husband standing right there in the kitchen (with the door open). Even when I know my son is wasted my ex will say he is fine. I know he buys him and his friend a tall beer pretty much every night. I also believe my ex is an alcoholic.

My heart is breaking watching my son. I am not sure how to help him at this point. Although his dad will call me and talk to me about my son being wasted or the mess the boys have made (the ex is severely OCD so messes are a big issue) he will not do anything to change what he is doing. To me the obvious would be to stop giving him money and get the other kid out but I don't think he will do anything. He has never been one to deal with issues and getting him to deal with our son's issues is just a waste of time. I think part of it is he does not want to truly face his sons addiction because he may have to face his own and he can not admit that he has a problem anymore than my son can. I also think that doing something like taking money away means he will have to deal with my son's anger and he would rather not deal with that. I am in such a horrible place. I would love for someone to come in an give me some idea of where to turn from here. I want my son back. He is a very funny intelligent kid who always made me laugh. Now I just cry and feel hopeless.

User Comments

Mellowbaby's picture

This group has been helpful in dealing with my daughter and her drug addiction

http://www.eons.com/groups/group/parents-of-addicts-all-religions-welcome

thekermitman@yahoo.com's picture

If your son is being violent when he drinks or smokes pot you can go to a judge and have him put in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation. They will usually make him get a job while he is there. He needs something to take his mind off that garbage. Your ex should have forced him to get a job a long time ago and start help paying for his own bills. He needs to wake up soon because it doesn't take much to become a full blown drug addict. I want you to share something with your son, and tell him this is where he could be headed. My name is Justin Gonzalez" On March 27 2005" "Easter sunday" I was assaulted by people I thought were my friends. This was all because I was doing drugs with my friends when they beet me over the head with a bat so they could rob me. I didn't know what happened until two weeks later when I woke up in the hospital and my family told me I had been in acoma. I spent two more months between two hospitals before I was aloud to go home. I had brain surgery and almost didn't survive it. Now I am disabled and I am in fear of seazures always. I can't drive anymore, I can't remeber what people tell me. My life was over before it ever began, I was only 22 years old. Now here I am 29 years old trying not to feel sorry for myself, but if I can help someone else keep from feeling the pain me and my family have felt.

Firefly's picture

Have you read the article on this sight 7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Year To Learn. You should read it. I wish I had that info 2 years ago. It really hits home. I guess if your ex wants to continue enabling your son he will also have to continue living with all the consequences. You should take the time to enjoy your other child and get on with life. Read the article, you will learn a lot. I know everything always looks good on paper and it's easy to see other people do these things that need to be done, but try it. Start living again. Not living and enjoying life isn't going to change the circumstances of your son or ex, but it will for you and your other child.

BustDrugAbuse's picture

Hi and I understand what is going on and what you feel. Let me tell you what I see based on experience. Your ex is the cause for your son to be seriously addict and becoming criminal (useless). That is right. Your ex make your son be what he is. There is one solution : make them disconnect. I am sure you see the truth in this. Now this comment is only to help you not the situation. To help you make this disconnection happen you need more help and then you might help your son. This was the first step. Good luck and take care.

debado's picture

I was the enabler! My son is nearly 22 yrs old and WAS in college until 2 weeks ago. He constantly needed "gas" money or book money always something. I did ask him constantly about drugs and of course he said no...I continued to give him money I noticed marks on his arm and asked him about it...of course it was nothing. Two weeks ago I got the call he was selling our investment jewelry, which had been kept in a locked safe. He now is living with his father who has a much firmer approach than I did. You have GOT to get your son away from your ex. you go to the probate courts and it requires 2 signatures (since he is over 18) and they will have him taken to a rehab or detox center. Take action now before he either gets hurt or locked in jail....my son now has 3 felony arrests pending and college is at a stand still. He was a 4 yr honor graduate in high school addiction knows no social class race religion etc...FOLLOW YOUR GUT! My son was using oxycotin...I could never find any evidence in his room or car but your instincts are usually correct.

haltman@ec.rr.com's picture

Personally, I think its critical to get your son out of that house, even if it means calling the law on all of them. That might be the only prayer to getting him treatment. Its very sad whats going on, and if there is not some type of intervention, nothing will change. The younger your son is, the more hope there is for a long-term recovery. He needs this chance!

Kljames's picture

Please get your son back away from his father. I have been in the same situation and only a mother really cares enough to help an addicted child. Not to offend any fathers out there that do try, but most are addicts themselves and to selfish to have their child's problem interfere with their life. I sent my herion addicted son to live with his father because I couldn't deal with him anymore and 7 months later and 2 overdoses later I took him back. No one loves a child like a mother. We will do anything for our children and nothing will stop us. After fighting with insurance and rehabs for a week who also do not care, I found an inpatient program to send my son to which I had to pay for out of pocket. I went every weekend for 4 months to see him an hour away and take him his favorite food. His dad went twice. He is now home and 6 months clean. I quit my job to take care of him. I helped him get a job an I take I'm back and forth to work. He never leaves without being supervised. He is 19 but this is the only thing that works. . No contact with old friends, no using the car, no access to money. I know I have to trust him one day but not now. His life is more important than mine. Some parents do not understand or are willing to put their life on hold. I tried everything else and this works. Sure he gets mad at me and frustrated but he knows how much I love him and he sees it. He told his counselor at rehab when he left that the only reason why he was alive was because of me. That was worth all I have fought for. Read the book Stay Close by Libby Cataldi. That is what I would tell any mother of an addict. Stay close, never give up and love them.

mysonisanaddict's picture

I have a similar but different situation with my son. He is a kind, loving, amazing person. He is also an addict. Which makes enabling really easy because he is so sweet. But the constant calls for money for books, gas, food, all hit home with me. After 3 years I brought him home to his apartment after Christmas break, bought him 2 weeks worth of groceries and gave him a little cash to pound the streets to find a job. I told him, that was it.
Four days later I got the "I need money for.... cal". The hardest thing I ever did, was say, "I have nothing left to give you while you are using drugs." I cannot find a support group close to where I live to help ME get through this, so I am relying on amazing friends who have been where I am to give me hope and encouragement.
I wish you good luck and I wish me good luck as were travel this road.

sezaiarslan11's picture

Thank you for reachingout to the Partnership community. You mentioned your son has Bipolar disorder and it experiencing some side effects from the medications he is prescribed.

james30's picture

Lady, you can't talk or offer therpy to someone who is under the influence of drugs, how can they correct their short comings when they are out of their minds? their reality is blurred behond comprehension. He needs to be locked down, away from all influences and at least 30 days detox before you will be able to talk any sense into him. These outpatient clients just don't work, they are not fit for purpose and the staff are not well equipt to deal with the problems these people face, this is a great let down by governments. He needs long term treatment, 1/2 years at least.

James

Tina111's picture

Hi and I understand what is going on and what you feel. Let me tell you what I see based on experience. Your ex is the cause for your son to be seriously addict and becoming criminal (useless). That is right. Your ex make your son be what he is. There is one solution : make them disconnect. I am sure you see the truth in this. Now this comment is only to help you not the situation. To help you make this disconnection happen you need more help and then you might help your son. This was the first step. Good luck and take care.

commenting63's picture

That is right. Your ex make your son be what he is. There is one solution : make them disconnect. I am sure you see the truth in this. Now this comment is only to help you not the situation. To help you make this disconnection happen you need more help and then you might help your son.

jhon rambo's picture

I understand what is going on and what you feel. Let me tell you what I see based on experience. Your ex is the factor for your boys to be seriously addict and becoming criminal (useless). That is right. Your ex type your son be what he is. There is one analysis : makes them disconnect. I am sure you see the truism in this. Now this reminder is only to help you not the situation. To help you type this disunion happen you obligation more assistance and then you impressiveness help your son. This was the first step. Good fate and revenue care.

JaneParker's picture

Your story is terrible. I hope you have enough strength to overcome it. Over time, everything will be fine. Your son will have the family and young kids and you will remember this time as a nightmare.

DorisGreys's picture

Your situation is terrible. I do not even know how I can help you. I think you have to limit your son's contact with the father and forced to do your son's treatment. It seems to me. that there is no alternative. I wish you all the best.

AliciaTerrysson88's picture

It is really a big disaster when you see your closest people suffering!
I hope for the best and pray for you!

AliciaTerrysson88's picture

Don't be upset! God will help you!

Songbird's picture

Why isnt anyone moderating these threads for spammers? There is so much garbage showing up in the comments section above in response to a sincere, troubled parent seeking help for a family member/themselves. This is beyond disappointing to see all this GARBAGE.

jhomi12's picture

To help you make this disconnection happen you need more help and then you might help your son. This was the first step. Good luck and take care.

Songbird's picture

This comment is directed to the technical team at 'time to get help' in appreciation for removing what were dozens of marketing links repeatedly posted by spammers: Much thanks to you for your diligence :0)

john12334's picture

Last night, I had the opportunity to meet with Patrick about my own work buy college essay, how I got started, and how, even after more than twenty years, I still forget to change the batteries.

JaneParker's picture

I understand what is going on and what you feel. Let me tell you what I see based on experience. Your ex is the factor for your boys to be seriously addict and becoming criminal (useless). That is right. Your ex type your son be what he is. There is one analysis : makes them disconnect. I am sure you see the truism in this. Now this reminder is only to help you not the situation. To help you type this disunion happen you obligation more assistance and then you impressiveness help your son. This was the first step. Good fate and revenue care. Online Slots

quincy gray's picture

All you need is just good parental guidance and keen attention to your son. He must have developed this kind of addiction due to the lack of time you are giving to him. buy soundcloud play