What do I do
I have a son who will be 20 years old next month. For the last 4 years he has been doing drugs (opiates mostly), drinking and a whole lot of pot. I have called the police on him on more than one occasion (he is a very violent drunk). My son has been 5150'ed 4 times. The last police involvement was over a year and a half ago. About 2 years ago I had my son go live with his dad because I have another son at home who has some mental health issues that I was also dealing with. I was also concerned with my younger son's safety. The only treatment my son has ever had is an out-patient program through Kaiser (which I attended with him) when he was 17. My son has refused any form of in-patient treatment (or at this point any treatment at all). He will not even admit he has a problem. I believe his drug use started around the time he stopped taking his Adderall. He is ADHD and has been on medication in the past for depression. He recently told me that he takes drugs to stop all the nonsense that goes on in his head all day. He has agreed to see a regular therapist (which I guess is a start, however as soon as he mentions any drug use they will send him over to the out-patient rehab and he will refuse to go back there).
My issue is I feel that my ex-husband is enabling my son so severely that he is allowing my son to become a more serious addict. He gives him money every single day. He allows him to live at home with no expectations at all. My son does take a class at the college two days a week (when he goes). He has never had a job and has no interest (or reason) to get one. My son has a friend living there who is a serious pot/hash smoker. I walked in on them smoking hash in the garage with my ex-husband standing right there in the kitchen (with the door open). Even when I know my son is wasted my ex will say he is fine. I know he buys him and his friend a tall beer pretty much every night. I also believe my ex is an alcoholic.
My heart is breaking watching my son. I am not sure how to help him at this point. Although his dad will call me and talk to me about my son being wasted or the mess the boys have made (the ex is severely OCD so messes are a big issue) he will not do anything to change what he is doing. To me the obvious would be to stop giving him money and get the other kid out but I don't think he will do anything. He has never been one to deal with issues and getting him to deal with our son's issues is just a waste of time. I think part of it is he does not want to truly face his sons addiction because he may have to face his own and he can not admit that he has a problem anymore than my son can. I also think that doing something like taking money away means he will have to deal with my son's anger and he would rather not deal with that. I am in such a horrible place. I would love for someone to come in an give me some idea of where to turn from here. I want my son back. He is a very funny intelligent kid who always made me laugh. Now I just cry and feel hopeless.